Shine On Me*

My December self would roll around and die if she saw what I’m like now.

Eight months later and look at me now!

Back in December I had just smoked a little, and I was talking to Jakey, who was absolutely adorable. I had Sidney too (the german) who was less than adorable, but my pick over Jake for some odd reason. 

I hold no discretion over my tumblr, so here I go. 

Basically since December I’ve had sex with…six guys. SIX. I’m looking for love in all the wrong places. I keep trying to find someone who will care, but unfortunately, they just use me for what I’m worth, a nice hole to dump their load in. 

I turned into a chronic smoker, which Caitlin a year ago would have absolutely kicked in the teeth if she knew herself now. I started drinking like an alcoholic and cutting more and more too. 

Essentially I’ve fallen from low, to even lower than I thought I could ever be, and I truly think I’ve had a nervous breakdown over these past few months. I’m not the person I ever wanted or ever thought I could turn out to be. 

I have about two friends, Ashley and Bridget, I trust them with my life. They’re the best girls I could ask for even though theyre both nutty as fruitcakes :) 

I think I have to work on my life when I leave for college, maybe find a boy that will actually give a fuck about me and not just find me as something they can get their D wet over. Cause that shit sucks. It hurts bad. 

I’m pretty sure the worst of all was this boy Gabe though. He was a sweetheart, and he fed me sweet nothings like telling me I was beautiful and telling me how special he thought I was… I believed him, I gave it up, and he never spoke to me. I guess when people think you’re a slut that’s all they’ll really use you for is sex.

Really….truly…I just want to be content with the life i’m living. right now, I’m not. I’m hoping someday it will happen. 

So here I go on another rant about the same people, as usual.

I texted this kid I had sex with today to ask him for weed.

simple right? real fucking simple 

The conversation goes like this 

do you have buddd? :)

what you need?

gram

no answer.

I smoke weed, classless I know, I have sex, even more classless but he likes all of this girl’s statuses who he met THROUGH ME and she’s supposed to be MY FRIEND, but she texts all the guys I like, and flirts with them all in front of me, and hits them up on Facebook. She’s such a fake friend and it hurts and makes me so angry that she has to go for my seconds on every guy. 

Oh and on another note, the German talked to me today.

WELL, PIN A ROSE ON MY NOSE. I WAS SO HAPPY.

HE SAID TWO FUCKING WORDS TO ME. 

BOY OH GEE WAS I GIDDY.

Honestly, fuck these last 9 days of high school.

I want to cut the living bejesus out of myself

but I won’t. I’m too fucking lazy to drag the sharp edge across my skin.

I rely too much on karma.

maybe I should learn how to change who I am, so I can be something someone wants. Someday I’ll be something they want.

Anyone have any solid advice? or just wanna shoot the shit to get my mind off this piece of shit life I have to experience?