Shine On Me*

I’ll enjoy listening to you talk shit about me to everyone I like tomorrow.

Wouldn’t put it past you.

So here I go on another rant about the same people, as usual.

I texted this kid I had sex with today to ask him for weed.

simple right? real fucking simple 

The conversation goes like this 

do you have buddd? :)

what you need?

gram

no answer.

I smoke weed, classless I know, I have sex, even more classless but he likes all of this girl’s statuses who he met THROUGH ME and she’s supposed to be MY FRIEND, but she texts all the guys I like, and flirts with them all in front of me, and hits them up on Facebook. She’s such a fake friend and it hurts and makes me so angry that she has to go for my seconds on every guy. 

Oh and on another note, the German talked to me today.

WELL, PIN A ROSE ON MY NOSE. I WAS SO HAPPY.

HE SAID TWO FUCKING WORDS TO ME. 

BOY OH GEE WAS I GIDDY.

Honestly, fuck these last 9 days of high school.

I want to cut the living bejesus out of myself

but I won’t. I’m too fucking lazy to drag the sharp edge across my skin.

I rely too much on karma.

maybe I should learn how to change who I am, so I can be something someone wants. Someday I’ll be something they want.

Anyone have any solid advice? or just wanna shoot the shit to get my mind off this piece of shit life I have to experience?

Allow me to introduce just one of the many awful people I surrounded myself with for oh so many years.

We’ll leave this wonderful person’s name out, but just to give her something to refer to, we’ll call this lovely girl, C. C was my best friend in seventh grade. We hated each other in sixth over a crush on a boy who was just entirely shitty and it took me until freshman year to realize just how large of a douchelord this boy was. He’s worthless now, regardless. C and I did everything together. Our families were friends mainly due to our aunts. They had been best friends for years and years, but we hit it off in school and only learned that a bit later. We went camping together, had sleepovers every weekend sometimes multiple days in a row. She knew every secret I hid in the crevice of my soul. I trusted her with my life. The middle of my Sophomore year my aunt killed herself. Mind you, I live with my grandparents, losing my aunt was more like losing my sister. I’ve yet to completely come to terms with her death, and sometimes I think I’ve just repressed more since the incident, but that too is another story for another time. I had two people I could lean on, her and my boyfriend. Of course I could tell my boyfriend anything, but there’s just those things you need your best friend for. The girl you need by your side because she’ll understand the girl emotions more than any guy will. She was there for a while, I like to think, but maybe not really. She was never there like she should have been. I needed her more than anything, and she truly dropped the ball. She had gone through so much with her family, and I stood by her side, hugging her when she cried and just…being there. She was around, but I was too much of a burden as she’d later come to tell me. She started gradually blowing me off more and more, throughout my Sophomore year. I lost it. I went into such a deep depression that affected my boyfriend and I’s relationship to where we broke up. I blame her for that, as bad as it is to say. I had no one because she didn’t know how to be a friend. She left me, without ever saying a word. I texted her over and over to hang out, to talk, she blew me off. Finally I confronted her and she had only but a text to send me, telling me she could not handle me anymore, that I was too much of a burden and just brought her down. I’m not one to throw myself a pity party, but I needed my best friend when my aunt died, and she left.. I haven’t gotten over it one bit to this day. I resent every part of her. Truly, I hate her. I’m so hurt I can’t find anything but hatred for her. When my boyfriend and I broke up, she told him he did a good thing, and made up lies so he’d never take me back. Thankfully, he saw through her, he did. No matter how many apologies she may give, I don’t think I could ever find it inside myself to ever forgive her.